We’ve all got a weak spot – a door in us that, once opened, lets all the energy trickle away, leaving us feeling weak and defeated. It doesn’t always have to be a major upheaval. Perhaps it’s a particular type of person that taps out our reserves, a sore spot from our childhood that’s easily pressed, a dream we’ve been fighting for that remains just out of reach, or an energy-stealing career. Whatever the cause, the temporary or chronic loss of power can have a knock-on effect on our wellbeing, leaving us feeling not only physically depleted but mentally wrung out. So, what causes this energy leak, and how can we bolster our reserves?
A sense of self
According to Dr Steven Mahan, clinical psychologist and operational lead at The Chelsea Psychology Clinic (thechelseapsychologyclinic.com ) our ability to deal with life’s knockbacks begins with the strength of our emotional foundations. “Our sense of self can be thought of as something that is supported by a series of pillars that form our identity, which includes our family, relationships, work, health, home and values,” he explains. “When any one of these pillars crumble or weaken, such as through a setback or challenging life event, it can affect our wellbeing.”
Not only that, but when we aren’t tuned into our sense of self, it can be easy to voluntarily give our energy away to others. We do this by saying yes when we really mean no, or doing things because we feel like we should, rather than because we truly want to. “It’s often only when we’re struggling and notice that we may be feeling more stressed than usual, living hand to mouth financially or our health is deteriorating, that we begin to take a look at how we are ‘showing up’ day-to-day and how this very behaviour may be contributing in some way to the negative experience,” adds advanced law of attraction coach Salarah Starre (salarahstarre.com ).
Thought spirals
Even with a healthy sense of self, when a challenging life event comes along, it can be very easy to get caught up in negative spiralling thought cycles and unhelpful thinking patterns (things like, ‘If only I hadn’t done x…’ ‘If I wasn’t such a weak person, I’d have been able to do x…’ or ‘This is all my fault…’). But if we exaggerate the negative outcomes of an event, it can make it difficult to see the often more likely, optimistic reality. Our relationship to our own thoughts plays a powerful role in how we cope with challenges to our wellbeing. “When we treat our thoughts as absolute truths, we can get caught up in distorted realities about how things actually are versus how we think they are,” says Steven. “If we can learn to take a step back and observe our thoughts as just thoughts (simply messages, images, memories and sensations that our mind sends our way) we are more empowered to consider our experiences with greater clarity and wisdom.”
Tune in
So, the first step to bolstering your reserves and protecting that precious energy is to get to know and connect with your core purpose and values. What’s important to you? What makes you feel alive? What fascinates or fires you up? These things are what lie at the centre of you and will drive your thoughts and feelings about the world around you and your own place in it.
“When we connect with our values and base our behaviours and decisions on our values, our wellbeing is greatly promoted,” says Steven. “Self-reflection is a powerful way to explore our values by asking ourselves questions about who, what and how we want to be in the context of why we want to be that way.”
A part of this is also accepting our past and taking responsibility for how our life will play out in the future. “That means accepting that you are 100 percent responsible for your healing, regardless of what has happened to you in the past. The triggers of your experience in this space and time may be showing you an opportunity for deeper healing of something that has happened in your past,” adds Salarah.
However, you don’t need to do this alone – reach out to loved ones and explore their insights into your values, or seek help from a trained professional, such as a therapist, who can help you explore in a safe space.
Accept your experiences
Let’s be honest, if you’ve ever been caught in a negative thought spiral, you’ll know how difficult it can be to get yourself out of it. Negative thoughts and beliefs can pull us downwards, exhausting our mental reserves very quickly. However, according to Steven, the trick is to stop fighting it. “Learning to accept our experiences as they are, both positive and negative, involves allowing difficult emotions to just be,” he says. “Often we fight to ‘get rid’ of difficult emotions such as anger, sadness or anxiety, which can make our difficult experiences worse and lead us to act in ways that cause us more harm in the long run.”
He recommends thought defusion – where we distance ourselves from our thoughts, notice them for what they are (with the knowledge that thoughts are not always facts), and are able to let them drift on by without clinging on to them. “An additional technique surrounds increasing our present moment awareness,” he adds. “This involves noticing when we are getting caught up in future-based, or past-based worries by utilising mindfulness techniques. When we pay attention to the here-and-now, we are often better able to stay in the moment and soothe our emotions.”
Regain your power
Ultimately, we can’t control things that happen to us, any more than we control the tides in the ocean. To try to do so is futile. However, by applying a sense of acceptance and observation to each unfolding moment, and sitting with our thoughts and feelings rather than fighting against them, we can gain a greater sense of control over how we feel. See Steven’s five tips below on how to regain your power.
Talk with others
You are not alone. Although a stressful life event can make it feel like no one can understand what you are going through, it is vital to express your feelings and thoughts with loved ones or a trained mental health professional. This creates a space where you can air your thoughts, reflect on your experiences and how they are affecting you, and allows others the opportunity to challenge any unhelpful thinking and behaviour patterns. It also affords an opportunity to remember that your emotions are valid, and gives others an opportunity to support, validate and nurture you. Our need for ‘belonging’ is vital to our wellbeing, and by expressing our vulnerabilities we invite others to care for and nurture us. A problem shared is a problem halved.
Remember, this too shall pass
During a stressful life event, it can feel like the pain will never pass and that you will be left feeling awful forever. It is important to remember the powerful message that ‘This, too, shall pass’. No emotional state or experience is forever, no matter how painful the experience. It is vital to take a step back and observe your emotions and thoughts, while holding in mind the wise reality that you will not always feel this way.
Engage with your values
Do things you love and that nourish your soul and give you a sense of purpose. Base your decisions on what matters to you, and not what will make the pain go away. If we can make our decisions based on our values rather than our goals, we can be more flexible about the multitude of ways we can live in line with our values. Consider how you can adapt your behaviours with this in mind; if you can no longer do something you previously valued, consider other ways of honouring your value.
Embrace self-care
Be kind and gentle to yourself. Sudden, unexpected, stressful life events are painful. Ride the difficult emotions where you can and soothe your experiences by engaging in deeply calming or enjoyable activities that result in a sense of relaxation, joy and peace. Make sure you do something every day that you previously enjoyed, even if the activity feels more effortful now. Have a routine every day that gives you a sense of structure and purpose in a way that makes space for your emotions but allows you to not be consumed by them.
Consider therapy
Psychological therapy is arguably the most effective way of promoting your wellbeing in the event of a stressful life event. Visit your GP to consider your options for treatment or meet with an expert in the field for an assessment of your needs. Therapy offers a safe space to reflect on and consider your own emotions and behaviours to promote healthy patterns of being. It helps to challenge unhelpful thinking patterns and behaviours and it offers an impartial space with a compassionate, caring professional to confront your experiences head-on.
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