Sometimes being kind to ourselves means accepting the situation we’re in, even if we’re not happy about it. Never has this been more pertinent than when it comes to sleep. If you’ve ever lain awake tossing and turning, you’ll know how frustrating it is to be denied entry to the land of nod. It can feel like an impossible mission. However, according to Dr Kat Lederle, sleep scientist and founder of Somnia (somnia.org.uk ), ‘trying’ to sleep is the worst thing we can do.
“When we talk about not being able to fall or stay asleep, we often use the term struggling – we are struggling with/to sleep. And when we struggle with something, we are resisting it, we are fighting with it,” Kat says. “Both of these behaviours involve tension and alertness. Physiologically, this means the body is ready and active, it has energy to do something and the mind is also alert, focused on the thing (the sleeplessness) it needs to fight and avoid.”
However, while this sense of problemsolving and alertness serves a function in daily life, it is not helpful when it comes to sleep. “Non-acceptance is choosing to not allow the situation we are in, and continuously trying to change it to the way we want it to be – irrespective of how unfruitful this is proving,” Kat says. “What often follows is frustration and anxiety because nothing is changing. In the case of sleeplessness, what also then follows is more wakefulness. Acceptance plays a huge yet not well-understood, part in sleeping well. It’s the opposite of struggling.”
Stop the struggle
Acceptance Commitment Therapy (ACT) helps you to notice and observe difficult, unwanted thoughts and feelings. In doing so you are naturally creating a distance from these unwanted thoughts, which leaves you room to assess whether these thoughts are truly helpful to you in this moment. If not, you can choose to shift your attention back to things that matter in the present moment.
Here’s where the acceptance part comes in. “When you return your attention to the moment, being in bed awake, it is easy to get lost in judgements of the situation,” Kat continues. “But that not only immediately takes you out of the moment, it also creates feelings such as frustration and more anxiety, both of which are activating. If you are accepting and open to the moment, if you allow yourself to be in it as it is and as you are, then you also reach the point of equanimity and calmness. You are also able to take action (choosing not to do anything is as much of an action as doing something) that is committed to improve your wellbeing.”
So, ACT does not aim to change your thinking or feelings, instead it helps you allow these thoughts and feelings to show up while you choose to do the things that matter to you.
Below Kat shares five simple steps to help you master sleep acceptance for yourself:
• Practise present moment awareness
It starts with awareness – an awareness of the thoughts that are showing up in your mind and the feelings in your body. A regular meditation practice will help you learn that you can – at any time – observe your thoughts.
• Acknowledge your thoughts and feelings
Notice your unwanted thoughts in the day and at night (remember, poor sleep doesn’t start at night, there are unwanted thoughts and feelings that show up in the day, too). Name or label your thoughts.
• Allow your thoughts to be there
Notice your attitude to your thoughts. Often there’s a sense of anxiety or resistance to these unwanted thoughts, a desire to get rid of them. This is when you can easily get into a struggle with your thoughts. But how helpful is this struggle and all the things you do to avoid unwanted thoughts? Most likely it isn’t. Choose to allow these thoughts and feelings to be here in this present moment.
• Anchor yourself
Once acknowledged and allowed to be here, anchor yourself by taking a mindful breath in and out. By mindful I don’t mean you have to breathe in a particular way, simply choose to observe your breath to fully connect with the present moment.
• Appreciate what your mind is doing
Your mind is a problem-solving survival machine. Its main role is to protect you, and its inner working mantra is: ‘better safe than sorry’. And so, it spends a lot of time predicting what catastrophe is likely to happen next. You don’t have to be over-the-moon that they have showed up, but you can appreciate your mind’s concern and then let those thoughts be: For example, I notice my mind is holding on to a certain thought, and I allow it to be there. I might say: ‘Thanks mind, but this is not helpful right now.’ So, ditch the struggle and try it for yourself tonight. Sweet dreams!
