My very first break-up was a bit of an eye-opener. I was 17 years old and, as he stood in my childhood bedroom telling me it was over, the pain was so intense it was almost physical. I felt a sense of desperation creep over me and before I knew it, I was begging and pleading for just one more chance. In that moment I would have honestly paid him to stay. Then, when he finally agreed (out of pure exhaustion) to give things another shot, I was surprised to find something had shifted in me. I finished the relationship myself the next day, much to his bafflement.
He’d ripped off the band aid and in trying to stick it back on, I had realised my wound – whilst very painful – just needed time and space to heal.
If you’ve ever been in love, chances are you’ve been through a painful break-up or two. Perhaps you’re even nursing a broken heart right now. From our very first love, through to our very last, one thing is universal: separation hurts. However, while we can’t always mend a broken relationship, there are some ways to heal a broken heart.
The grieving process
“A break-up is an ending, so it stirs up proper grief,” explains Lucy Beresford, psychotherapist, relationship expert and wellbeing warrior (lucyberesford.com). “It is both a loss of the person, and also a loss of any dreams or hopes we may have had for our future with that person. We will go through all the five stages of grief, with emotions such as denial, anger and sadness before we can get to the stages of acceptance and moving on. But, because a break-up is an ending that is chosen, it can also feel very personal, which can knock our self-esteem or make us feel undesirable.” How long it takes to get over a relationship can depend on a number of factors, too, from past experiences and emotional make-up, how long you were together and who decided to break things off, to how tightly entwined your lives are – for example, if you work for the same company, own a property together, are married or have children together. “You can experience a range of emotions,” says Relate counsellor Gurpreet Singh (relate.org.uk ), “and they might change quickly from moment to moment. A break-up will cause emotional pain and you might also get some physical symptoms from that, too.”
Some of this is to be expected as you mourn the loss of your relationship. However, Gurpreet warns: “If the feelings surrounding the loss remain unprocessed for a long period of time, this can go on to affect other parts of your life, including your physical and mental wellbeing and future relationships.” So how do we navigate this period with the kind of dignity and grace my 17-year-old self would be proud of?
A way forward
Well, Phil Collins was right. You can’t hurry love, and you can’t hurry the healing process after a break-up either. In the raw aftermath of a separation, it can feel cathartic to analyse who did what and absolve yourself of responsibility, but according to Gurpreet this isn’t necessarily healthy. “Try to take the time to understand what you’ve gone through without judging or blaming either yourself or someone else,” she says. This can sometimes take some willpower.
When a shared property or children are involved, it is important to set and maintain clear boundaries, particularly around communication. This is because you may legitimately need to be in more contact than your bruised heart wants. “Decide whether formal communication works best through intermediaries, or by phone instead of in person,” says Lucy. “And set time limits on how much interaction you have, so that you can decompress regularly. Self-care is really important during this time.”
Don’t beat yourself up if communication gets sticky. Remind yourself that the uncomfortable feelings will not last, and regard each need for contact as the next baby step towards this process being over. “The key thing to remember is that no matter how painful or difficult the break-up feels while you’re going through it, gradually you will get to the other side, to a life you long for,” Lucy adds.
If you have friends or family you can reach out to, talk things through with them. If not, speak to a counsellor, or journal to process your feelings. But be careful not to linger too long in a negative headspace, as that could make you feel worse. The idea is to face your feelings, accept them and move forward positively.
Some ‘don’ts’
Tempting though it is to set up a round-theclock vigil on your ex’s Instagram, seeing what they did at the weekend and what they ate for breakfast without you won’t help you heal. “This is arguably the hardest thing to do, as it is your way of staying connected to them,” says Lucy. “But don’t check their feeds; unfollow them, maybe even mute a few mutual friends so you don’t accidently see their material and get wounded all over again. And did I say it? – don’t check their feeds.”
The same goes for drowning your sorrows. “You might want to reach for unhealthy coping mechanisms like drinking alcohol, smoking, overeating, not eating, not getting out of bed, self-medicating, and so on,” warns Gurpreet. “Although these might feel like they’re working in the short term, in the long run they will add to the problem rather than be helpful. “
Instead, focus all your energies on selfcare. Make sure you get plenty of sleep every night, and keep eating nutritiously. This will give you the physical strength to cope with the emotional stress. It’s surprising what a difference keeping up simple routines like making your bed in the morning or brushing your teeth can do to bring you back from the precipice of a downward spiral. “Do activities that absorb your mind, so you are not thinking about your ex,” advises Lucy. “It could be yoga, learning some music, playing sport, or bird-watching on a walk. This will take you out of yourself so that your mind and body are occupied. This way your stress-induced cortisol levels can reduce, and you can start to get on with your life without even noticing that you are doing so.”
Most importantly, do not beg them to come back to you (like I did). “Work at accepting this rejection with grace, trusting that the Universe has a better plan for you – even if right now you cannot possibly see that because this person meant so much to you,” Lucy says. “Accepting that the grieving will take the time it will take, and that it might not go in a straight line, will help you ride out the waves along the way. Baby steps is all you need to worry about.”
Remember, you’ve got this…
Do
Set healthy boundaries
Don’t:
Judge or blame
