Natural Living

Relationships: Holistic self-help to boost your sex life

Harness your inner sexuality before you turn up the heat in the bedroom, says wellbeing expert and author Jane Alexander

Harness your inner sexuality before you turn up the heat in the bedroom, says wellbeing expert and author Jane Alexander
If the number of books and magazine features on sex is anything to go by we should all be super-orgasmic by now.

Yet most of this sex talk focuses on the pure mechanics of sexual activity. It just doesn’t see sex for what it really is – an incredible energy exchange; a means of both emotional and spiritual revitalisation. In my book, The Energy Secret (newly available on Kindle) I look at many ways in which to revitalise your self and your life by an understanding of vital energy.

In the east, lovemaking has been a sacred energy art for many thousands of years. In India, Tibet and China (to name just a few) sex is taken very seriously indeed. It is approached with a deep sense of awe and respect; in sects such as Tantra, it is even considered sacred, a form of divine worship. Tantric training is long and, contrary to popular belief, doesn’t just involve tying yourself in sexual knots. In the book, I suggest ways of easing into Tantra but, for now, let’s look at some simpler ways to get your sexual energy tingling.

BRINGING SACRED SEXUALITY INTO EVERYDAY LIFE

The first step in raising sexual energy is to accept that there is far more to sex than a quick thrill. You start by honouring your own body, accepting it as beautiful – whatever its size, shape or age.
Choose a time when you won’t be disturbed. You will need a full-length mirror and some candles; the room you use should be warm enough so you will feel comfortable without your clothes on.
Light the candles around the mirror and dim the lights. If you like, you can light some incense or burn some aromatherapy oils.
Take off your clothes and sit in front of the mirror. Now look at your body. Resist the temptation to criticise. Instead of focusing on the bits you dislike, find a part you like. Your first thought might be that you dislike all of it….but is that really true? Do you hate your fingers?
Think of the job your body does – how wonderfully clever your fingers are, so dextrous and nimble; how miraculous your hearing is.
Sit quietly with your body – for a good twenty minutes if you can.

ANIMAL SEXUALITY

Imagine your sexual energy expresses itself as an animal – what would it be? Would you be a slinky panther or a sinuous snake? A playful chimpanzee or a strong powerful bear? Act out your animal’s energy and see if your partner can guess what you are. You might find you are two of a pair – or you might have very different animals. If so, experiment with both. Take it in turns and try to tune in to the animal energy of your partner, as well as your own. Make love as if you were those animals – keeping within what feels good for your partner as well as you. Let go and become that animal – borrow its movements, its noises, its expressions. Or be more subtle yet and make love with the energy of that animal.

You can have a lot of fun with this exercise and it can be very liberating. Animals don’t have our sexual hang-ups and taboos and one way of releasing our own unfettered sexuality can be by ‘borrowing’ that of our animal brethren.

Cultivating sensuality

Sensuality is the art of feeling energy through the skin. It’s a delicious art and one which we often ignore. Our skin is incredibly sensitive and, with a little gentle training, can become even more sensitive. Begin your exploration by noticing how different temperatures and textures feel on your skin. Start indoors, undress and lie on different surfaces – feel, really feel, how wood feels; how carpet feels; how wool feels different from leather or suede. Experiment with velvet, silk, fur (real on a cat; fake on a throw – what’s the difference?). Notice how each surface makes you feel. See if you can detect the energy of the different materials. Does the real wood feel different from the synthetic rug? How does stone feel different to vinyl? Extend your senses – become aware. Take notice.

When you have explored your house with your senses on full alert, go outside and do the same. Take off as many clothes as you can (without scaring the neighbours) and lie on the grass, on the sand or pebbles of the beach, on the leaves of the forest. Explore water – feel the difference between the energy of the sea and that of a lake; between a swimming pool and a fastrunning stream.

29% of women report always reaching orgasm during sex

HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT SEX?

In our society we have become adept at divorcing ourselves from our bodies and nowhere more so than with sex. Our society has not been at ease with its sexuality for very many years and a huge number of people have been brought up to think of sex as something smutty, dirty and unclean. It can be worth taking some time to think about how you feel about sex.

How were you brought up to think about sex?
Was it openly discussed in your household – or was it kept quiet and secret?
What were your early experiences of sexuality? When did you first masturbate? How did you feel? Did you and your friends or siblings experiment with yourselves and each other? Did you see or hear any adults having sex? How did that make you feel?
Do you remember your first kiss? Your first sexual encounter? How was it and how did you feel?
Think about your sexual relationships? Have they been similar in any ways?
Are you happy with your sex life? Your sexuality? Is there anything you do in bed you don’t feel happy with? What do you like? What would you change?
Ask your partner too. You might find neither of you is happy but you both thought the other was okay. You may have more in common than you thought.
Use your new-found knowledge to shift your lovemaking. Start by becoming more aware of what you do and how you feel. Explore your partner’s body as if you’ve never seen it before. Really investigate it and notice everything, from the lobes of their ears to their little toes.
Don’t just pounce on each other – take it slowly. Use your freshly-awakened sensual energy to detect the nuances of skin touching skin. Feel the texture of your partner’s body. Use your hair, your nails, your eyelashes even to stroke his or her body. Find out what each of you really loves. If you’re not sure, ask. It always amazes me that you can spend five minutes ordering the kind of coffee you want, we accept whatever we’re given in bed!

Rediscover the lost art of kissing. When you’re an adolescent there is nothing more mysterious and arcane yet when we grow up kissing often gets passed over. In Tantra, kissing is said to activate the chakras. You could move down the body, kissing each chakra – starting with the crown (that pure spiritual benedictory kiss on the top of the head) and moving down to the base with a lusty smacker on the bush.

10 times is how often women think about sex on average each day

ELEMENTAL SEX

Make use of the elements within sex. It may sound like a cliché but try making love by a roaring fire. Pluck up your courage and have sex outdoors on top of a windy hill; in water (the sea, a lake or stream); under the whispering branches of a great tree.

Feel the differing energies of fire, wind, water, earth – and play with incorporating them into your lovemaking. Imagine you are made of the earth, take on its steady, deep-throbbing energy, merge with its slow heart-beat. Touch each other lightly, as lightly as the air itself. Be playful, like the wind – surprising and unpredictable. Then feel the fire energy, flickering over your body, scorching your lips, tingling your genitals, lapping like a small persistent tongue. And, as you become more aroused, feel the water energy mounting up within in, rolling and thundering like huge breakers as it subsumes your entire body in its embrace.

UNCOVERING THE WILD MAN AND WILD WOMAN WITHIN

Another way to unleash our primal sexual energy and bypass our modern manners is to rediscover the wilderness within. In every ancient culture there are gods and goddesses who are considered wild, untamed, unfettered, free. Their energy is primal, raw and frequently sexual in nature – think about it, sexual energy is one of our most basic needs. There is also a lot of humour there too. Think about Baubo, the strange little Greek goddess whose eyes are in her breasts and whose mouth is in her vagina. She tells baudy stories and ribald jokes. Then there’s Pan, the priapic god with the huge erect penis, which always leads him into trouble. Baubo and Pan’s earthy sexuality is good medicine for us modern folk: they teach us not to take ourselves or even sex too seriously. Find a place for their humour in your bedroom.

MORE INFO

Extracted from The Energy Secret – practical techniques for understanding and directing vital energy by Jane Alexander. Newly available in Kindle format from amazon.co.uk

Article by

Jane Alexander

Holistic Health Expert

Jane Alexander is the author of over twenty books on natural health and holistic living, including the bestselling Spirit of the Home and The Detox Plan.

Discover more

Article by

Jane Alexander

Holistic Health Expert

Jane Alexander is the author of over twenty books on natural health and holistic living, including the bestselling Spirit of the Home and The Detox Plan.

Discover more